365 in 2018 ~ Amanda Talk

Yesterday there was an ordeal. Got out of lab at 4, said something to dh about wanting coffee. He offered to bring me coffee; I said sure. I have an hour before my next lab. 440, he messages me that he's on his way. I know it takes me 5 minutes to get home from school, sometimes a little bit more. I waited 8 minutes to go up to where I told him to meet me. I did my best with directions, but it had been a long day and I was tired and fried. I told him, it's the side entrance. I think it's the west. Patriots street. across from the apartments. The building behind. Ratliff North. I stood out there an additional 5 minutes before I saw him turn in. then he turned down towards a different road instead of turning into the building. I texted him that he was supposed to go straight. No response, didn't see him for another 5 minutes. at this point, if I don't start heading back in, I'm going to be late for the quiz and I can't take it, and I can't drink my coffe...

Pooping in public is the worst. Tuesdays are so exhausting.

So I had my physiotherapy appointment today for my pelvic floor stuff, and I'm not really sure what I think about it. Like, my instinct is to cut and run, because the first thing that she does is give me a printout list of how many kegels a day to do. But I'm going to give it the benefit of the doubt for the 6 weeks because she did talk about doing cold laser therapy on my perennial scars, and biofeedback, and all this other stuff. And she said that we were going to take a whole body approach. She referenced Katy Bowman, which makes me happy. But she said that the kegels are for learning how to isolate those specific muscles and knowing which muscles that you're isolating and strengthening the contraction. So I'm going to give it the benefit of a doubt but I don't like the idea of a prescription of kegels.

No idea what to write anymore. I'm so busy, boohoo woe is me. I don't know. I did find out that I'm not going to be able to go for that bioinformatics minor. I can't take the computer classes over the summer, and there's just no time anywhere else. so that's it. decision made. My ear felt like it had some water in it yesterday morning. by the end of the day it was sore feeling, every time I put my headphones in. I tried to lie on that side of my head all night to see if I could get some drainage. every time I burp I feel like my ear is popping and it fucking hurts. Shit. about 950 my stomach started with the horrible pains that I associate with ovulation. I'm pretty sure this is the worst I've ever had it. I"m afraid to move.

Blah blah blah. almost lost a day.

I missed another day. Hell I almost missed two. I've been so run ragged. I'm so behind on work. I feel like I"m three weeks behind on school. I have to reteach myself trig and then catch myself up on calculus. It's never ending. I got some BioSil in and started taking it in the morning with my lemon water. I've been taking bamboo charcoal at night to help bind and pass things on. For some reason I think the charcoal ends up blocking me up, I don't go to the bathroom as often. I found out about a pelvic floor physiotherapist local to me. I'm going to see her on monday. Here's hoping we can deal with some rectocele/incontinence issues.

My alarm didn't go off this morning. Son woke me at 7 to ask me to take him to school. I had to bolt up, get ready without taking a shower. The calculus quiz was the worst ever. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I went to a tutoring session for chemistry and really felt like I got a lot out of it; like they train their students how to teach these subjects. not just saying; hey, you made an A, so now you can help everyone else! I suck at being a tutor, I never got any training. anyway, I'm hoping that I can go to a calculus one and get something out of it. A friend at school today bought me a sandwich. I said thank you and gave it to someone else. I felt SO FUCKING GUILTY but 1) I had already eaten, 2) I didn't ask for it 3) I'm not eating bread. I thanked her, apologized, and promised to buy her lunch next time. but I still feel horrible lol.

Yesterday when I came home from school, I was hurting in my shoulder. So I tried to take a nap for a minute, which was pretty unsuccessful with a child bugging me every 5 minutes. I was unable to get releif in my shoulder, so I got ready to get started on school work. Decided to try that foot soak from the acupuncture; oh man. I had to keep adding hot water to the bath, it kept getting cold. After a while I would randomly flush out into sweats. and after 45 minutes, my shoulder didn't hurt anymore. not even a little bit. obviously if I tried to use it too much it would start up, but it quickly went away again. I tried really hard not to sleep on it last night. I kind of sort of feel twinges of it coming back. I find it ridiculous how hard it is for me to relax my head and neck while I'm trying to go to sleep. We'll see how I do today. Today is such a long day I had to actually pack a lunch. I don't know why lunches are so hard.

I missed a day. Spent all day yesterday trying to catch up on work, and someone sat right next to me on the couch to do his school work so I just didn't even try. I joined a squat challenge on one of my boards, supposed to do some every day in increments of 5 but right now I'm doing every other day because that's how weak I am. I switched one of my lab classes from monday to tuesday, so now I have two labs on tuesday and will be gone from the house from 7 am to 8 pm, but monday is another short day so I feel like it was worth it. I'm still stressing out about all this school stuff. completely overwhelmed. Not sure how to get things back on track.

Went to get acupuncture yesterday. I've had this horrible headache for a while now. woke up this morning with an intense pain in my head, ice pick in my eye ball. Horrible pain. I really wish I could deal with this. I'm completely overwhelmed with school. We've had 2 days and I already feel like I'm going to fail calculus, and I need to get everything on my calendar. there's a weekly quiz in calculus, there are weekly quizes in ochem lab, there are weekly quizes in all the labs, actually. and cell bio. and the papers. and the lab reports. i'm so overwhelmed.

I've  dropped the ball in one of my jobs; I hate being this person. Finally DTD last night; 18 days into the new year. I don't even remember how many before. I wasn't mad about it. I wasn't in the mood for it. I was holding onto my anger for him. and I don't knwo why I get like that. I saw a post yesterday someone said something about how they were working through forgivness. They did a lot of things in their life; but they were working on forgiving themselves because "she was younger then." And I put that in perspective of him; the first time he was 18. Maybe I can forgive that, as much as it hurts. but the second time? 7 years and two kids later? I agree we weren't in the best of places at that time and I can actually not begrudge him wanting to move on with his life. It's the finding someone else before telling me he doesn't want to be with me. It's the not knowing if he's ever going to do that again. and the sad thing is, my beh...

First day of school. Right now I'm hoping that I'm able to still somehow maintain my crafting mojo, but I don't have high hopes. I'm swamped with work already and it's the first day of school. I've got to be a little bit more responsible with taking care of stuff. but I guess I just can't be that person.

No school again today. Still with the headaches and neck pain. Still with the procrastination to work. Still haven't done anything to workout. You know how some people "pick a word" for the year? Like, how do you even go about doing that? it seems like people will meditate on the word for a few weeks before the end of the year or something. I don't know how the hell they pick that stuff out. seriously, I wouldn't know what word to pick for me. but it seems like the universe has been trying to hit me upside the head with a word, and I've heard it whispered a few times. and I'm almost too afraid to acknowledge it because then I might have to do it. But "speak" is my word. "Use your voice" is the instruction with the word. I have a tendency to back out of conversations, to shirk away from the hard conversations, to not get involved with anything that can be construed as a conflict of opinion or something that forces me to express my ...

Weighed myself this morning, not first thing, but after I had my lemon water and a few sips of coffee. 223.5. Ugh. Snowed pretty good, all schools shut down for the day. I can feel my anger returning. I had a flash today of that first girl, Misty. One time she called while we were asleep in bed, and I answered the phone. she asked to speak to him, and I said he wasn't there, and hung up on her. He rolled over and asked me who that was, and I lied and said it was my friend Kristi calling to ask if we were awake. that was it. I'm now suspicious of everything. He got up to go answer the phone in the other room, when he was holding the phone. he takes his phone with him every time he goes to the bathroom. and sits in there for a long time. and I just cannot let go. I cannot trust. I worry about what he's doing. or I have to turn it off and just not care. Fucking sucks.

Starting to slow down in my remembering to post here. As long as I do some sort of check in I'm ok with it. I don't want to forget a whole day or even more and feel like I've got to go back and remember what went on that day to make up the post. Finally got to see star wars yesterday. we tried for a 6 oclock movie but it was blocked out with no seats next to each other, so we did a 945 movie. hardly anyone there. I was not disappointed. planned on starting Keto this morning. Woke up and had my coffee like normal, and then I remembered I wanted to do the salted lemon water. So I mixed that up; 1 tsp of lite salt (for potassium) 1 tsp pink himilayan salt, 2 tsp lemon in water. I don't know if it's related, possibly, but about an hour later I had urgency to go to the bathroom. We're supposed to have severe winter weather tomorrow. tonight, actually. I'm torn between wanting it to happen and schools being closed, but if it happens and they don't close ...

Spotting yesterday finally. Headache for a while. acupuncture made it better for about a day and a half. yesterday and today are the worst; left shoulder hurting, all the way up into my neck, into my head.

Having a panic attack at the amount of work I have to do. woke up with my neck hurting in a bad way. haven't been in a sexy mood for a very long time. I'm on day 30 of my cycle so hopefully I start soon, but dammit I thought I would have had my period before I went back to school. Now I've got to deal with the first week on it.

School starts on Tuesday and I'm still not caught up with my work. Today is day 12 of the new year and I've done nothing to improve myself, keep my strength. I was doing a transcript today and the company Viome was mentioned. I'm thinking about getting a test done when I get some extra money. I need a daily checklist. I love the idea of a bullet journal, but seriously someone has got to set that shit up for me. did you fascia blast today? did you whiten your teeth today? did you brush your teeth today? did you do something to strenghten your body today? I fucking forget. I literally don't think about this shit for days and then I'm like; damn. I wanted to do that thing. that I didn't do.

Haven't crafted in three days. Not because I haven't been able to. Just haven't wanted to. The only thing I've done this time off is cross stitch, nothing else. Would have liked to worked on my crochet blanket, but I just never felt like it. Got acupuncture today. It was interesting. she did the acupuncture, and some cupping. and I bought some foot soak stuff to do later.

Had a stupid bad dream about the hubby that's really stupid, but in essence he looked weak and unwilling to protect his family. Planning baby girl's birthday party for in a couple of weeks. she wants to watch scary movies and have a slumber party. The clusterfuck that was my financial aid is sort of sorted out. I kept checking it yesterday and nothing was fixed, but today they have put my grant back in the right place. I still have a financial hold on my account and it still looks like I owe over $1000 and I'm not getting the full amount back. But I'm trying for patience and hoping it will work itself out before dispersing. I'm tired. my shoulder hurts. I have several transcripts from one job to do; 4 in fact. I don't know why I procrastinate these ones so much. My goal with this time off was to be completely caught up on everything before school started and today is Wednesday. I have less than a week before I go back to school. If I do one a day, with the...

I am sore. and I have a headache. I got a massage and an adjustment yesterday. Massages always make me feel my soreness. That's the point of getting them. My muscles lock up and I can't move and she has to beat me to a tenderized pulp. Too bad all my nerves are raw and sensitive and I don't have that high of a pain tolerance. My shoulder and hip particularly are killing me. she suggested I try acupuncture so I have an appointment tomorrow to try that out. I don't know what I expect it to do, but I imagine that the needle will force my muscle, in particular my shoulder, to stop freaking clenching all the time. It hurts all the time, and it fatigues so flipping fast. It hard to sleep, because I can't lay on that side, but the other side is where my hip hurts. so I'm constantly tossing and turning. I have a headache and I'm not sure if it's a result of the massage and adjustment, which is possible. or if it's due to being close to starting. I need...

Woke up this morning to a nice little clusterfuck. last week I realized they had removed my spring pell grant away from me, so I'm getting less money back for financial aid. which ruins my plans of saving money to pay for next year because I'm afraid I won't get any aid next year. Well this morning, not only have I lost my spring pell grant, but I now have to pay back half of my fall pell grant. How in the hell do they do all of this work to figure out what you're eligible, figure out why you get, offer it to you. you have to go through this whole big thing of signing shit and accepting it and filling out bank information for deposits, but then halfway through the year they can be like; oops, made a mistake. you now owe us $1000.  I'll make it through this semester as long as they'll take the repayment for fall out of what's left over, but what about next year? What if I get zero aid next year? then I went into debt for nothing. I have nothing to show for it...

I wonder why it's so hard to make a plan and stick with it. I'm constantly thinking i need to get back to low-carb, keto, or just freaking real food eating. and then when I'm sitting there and a little craving hits me, I'm not even thinking "OH, I shouldn't do that because I'm trying to clean up my eating." Oh, no, I'm thinking, where the damn chocolate at. Tuesday my son goes back to school. I'll be back on a semi normal schedule for a week, before I myself have to go back to school. I haven't read anything. I haven't played any games. All I've done is cross stitch. the only thing I crocheted was the ornaments for the exchange. No knitting. no other crochet done. I did finish two cross stitch projects that'd been working on for two years or so, so that feels fantastic. I just really need to get them washed and framed so I can see them every day. The one I'm working on now, I'm imagining it hanging up in my closet of...

Still no movement. Still with the back pain. I have an appointment on Monday to get a massage and an adjustment. Charlie spent the night alternating sleeping on our heads and getting up and banging/digging at the door crying. Very unrestful sleep. I woke up in the most uncomfortable position ever because he was lying on me; my head forced to the left and I was stuck on my back.

I had grand plans to get up this morning and do yoga. Charlie had a different plan for me, though; he climbed all over me constantly, alternating with getting down and scratching/crying at the door. God bless it, it wasn't even 6 oclock!! I finally got up and turned the lights on. and he came and sat on me and fell asleep. Fucker. So I put a pillow over my face and got a few more hours of sleep. Got up and took a shower. BSC from yesterday is non existent. today is between a 4 and a 5. Not really sure what else there is to say...

So, while I lament the fact that I'm such a person who will not workout, even though I know it will make me feel better - Charlie got stuck under the bed. (with his cone of shame on.) I had to lift the mattress up to get him out. And now I have a rib out of place stabbing me in my lung and I can't take a full breath. This is why I don't workout. Even little things screw me up. I tried rolling it and stretching it out but it still hurts. Chiro appt on Monday already planned, but I don't know if I can make it over the weekend like this.

Not much in a chatty mood today. I knew I would have days like this. I'm tired of all the sweets and carbs in the house. There is nothing else that's a grab and go bite to eat other than the carby stuff, and we won't have grocery money until Friday. So I've got to just make do with what we've got. Charlie came home yesterday. He seems so happy to be home, purring and drooling all over the place. He does not enjoy being locked in the bathroom though. He's got some healing to do before he can run around the house, though. Still didn't make myself get up and do anything today. I think about it, every time I'm hurting. I should do something like squats every time I get up to go to the bathroom, but it's not something I think about until after I"ve done it. I get out of that bed with my back hurting, and sit on the couch with my back hurting. Trying to work, trying to craft, trying to enjoy my time off before school starts back up.

I find it interesting how we never really are ourselves. Or just let ourselves be in that moment. There are things we hold back from everyone; it may not even be the same thing from each person. so if you were to compile all the people around you, eventually you would get a full picture of yourself. Even here, I'm not sharing my full self. I"m holding some things back. and I posted some things that I was hesitant to post. but if this is going to be my journal, my year-end review, to go back and see how I felt on certain days. maybe see if I can find a link to something that makes me feel bad. then there are going to be some things I'll say some people may not want to read. But i'm not advertising this journal, so it doesn't matter, right? I'm looking for a cowl pattern to make myself; I committed to buying some yarn on Facebook (right before Charlie got sick) And then we ended up having to take him to the emergency vet and I don't have the money to ...

I like the idea of a daily journal. I've seen these memes about how today is the first page in a 365 book. I'd like to utilize that. I've been trying to think on goals for this new year. I want to keep a journal, but I don't think this will be the place to do it. it's not what I wanted. May be better off sticking to a blog and just adding to a post every few minutes. I know me; some days I'll be writing all day, some days I'll want to skip. At the very least I'd like to keep track of how i"m feeling physically, and maybe what I ate if I can remember. So, plans for this year. I really would like to do a vision board. I'm not sure what to put on it. or what I even want for this year. I'll be doing school for the next two years so I don't have a lot of room to grow. I'll just be existing for a little while. That doesn't mean I'm not going to do other things. I'd like to get some more transcript work. I'd lik...