2/365
I find it interesting how we never really are ourselves. Or just let ourselves be in that moment. There are things we hold back from everyone; it may not even be the same thing from each person. so if you were to compile all the people around you, eventually you would get a full picture of yourself.
Even here, I'm not sharing my full self. I"m holding some things back. and I posted some things that I was hesitant to post. but if this is going to be my journal, my year-end review, to go back and see how I felt on certain days. maybe see if I can find a link to something that makes me feel bad. then there are going to be some things I'll say some people may not want to read. But i'm not advertising this journal, so it doesn't matter, right?
I'm looking for a cowl pattern to make myself; I committed to buying some yarn on Facebook (right before Charlie got sick) And then we ended up having to take him to the emergency vet and I don't have the money to pay the invoice. I'm hoping something falls into place so that I can pay the invoice before it becomes late and I lose out on that yarn :(
Today BSC between a 6 and 7. No solid, but it's not watery either.
Had a drink of Kerrygold Irish Cream last night. and the night before. maybe it tears my stomach up but it sure helps with the pain in my back. I don't rely on the alcohol for pain relief, and I don't usually drink any. 2 days in a row for the first time in a month or more. and definitely when school starts back up it will go back to weekends or never.
Single Dad Laughing shared a blog post yesterday,
and it totally resonated with me. Well, the first part of it anyway. He followed his rabbit trail to the end, and I still haven't. I don't know why I want to fight so hard to be miserable all my days when there is all this good food. I don't want to be restrictive, but I don't want to binge either. I do want to look good, but I've got to come to terms with my age for one. I've spent the last 7 years trying to lose weight, or to "get healthy" by not restricting myself in the hopes that when I "healed" that I would just shed the excess weight. because healthy doesn't mean fat, right?
Obviously it hasn't worked. And I don't want to work hard; the kind of hard that's needed; on a beautiful body. But I do want to minimize what I have. If I have to buy a large shirt because of my arms, I want it to be because of the muscles, not the fat. Same for my jeans; I want to buy a larger size because my quads don't fit in the smaller size because of the muscle, not the fat. I want to be able to put on a pair of jeans and not have to pull them up over my belly button to prevent that overhang of a muffin top.
I dont want to be weak. I want to be strong, and stand tall, and be able to go to school and walk the campus without having to take breaks, slow down, or just be completely out of breath from just walking.
Excuses, Excuses. I have so many excuses. I still can't convince myself to move. I'm in pain; mostly back and shoulder and neck. Last night had that deep, bone aching pain that when I describe to doctors they look at my like I"m fishing for pain meds. I can't explain it. It was like growing pains growing up; I'd have these horrible aches in my shin bones, and then by the end of the night I was having those severe muscle cramps in my calves. Now, when the aching starts in my hips I can megadose magnesium to help with it, but it still returns. every day. It's my reminder to take the magnesium. Which doesn't help with the loose stools, I'm sure.
Yesterday, food was eggs and bacon for breakfast. Leftover soup/stew for lunch, and then chicken, rice, and broccoli and cauliflower for dinner. See? I eat great! Nevermind the poptart. or the cookies. or the Irish Cream alcoholic drink.
I want to move. I want to workout and feel good. but only in my head. I can't seem to make that connection with actually getting up and moving. And of course, did I mention the excuses? I feel like I should get up and do it first thing, so I don't talk myself out of it. Well, that will work, for 2 weeks. Then when school starts back up for me on the 16th, I'll already be getting up early enough to leave the house at 7. And then, depending on the day, I won't be working out at the same time every day if I choose to workout in the afternoon, after school and before work. I would like to make myself do it when I get home from work. I know from experience that I come home flipping exhausted, so that may not work. but maybe if I can get myself in the habit of doing it for a few times, then I'll feel better about doing it. I don't know. I just don't know. But I know this is what I want to focus on this year. So I've got to figure it out.
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